But the problem is I was only able to achieve this by working for two separate trivia companies. They happen to be in competition with each other and in short, Mum and Dad are fighting. There's a possibility that I may have to choose between the two, or worse, that one might lose patience and get rid of me. As well looked-after as I am, there are a lot of people who can do the job I do, which makes me expendable. So that's lead me to this question - after trying for six years to get into a position like this, what would happen if I lost it?
I consider myself to be a vulnerable, but ultimately resilient person. I've lost friends, possessions and of course jobs before. When faced with the possibility of losing my car, I certainly felt sad, but I was also already thinking about the next one. I think if I lost my house, if my parents got divorced, if my laptop with all my important information was stolen, I'd eventually get over it. I would hate it, sure. But time would heal that wound just like any other. There are two situations in which I can't imagine that being the case. One is if I was involved in some sort of horrible accident which left me dismembered or disfigured. The other is if I lost this dream job and had to go back to going whole fortnights without any income, no longer making progress towards owning my own property and finally moving out of my parents'.
This makes me think of Yoda and a teenage Anakin Skywalker, sitting in a dark room in one of the Star Wars movies. Anakin reveals that his fear of losing Padme is giving him nightmares and premonitions. Yoda's simple response is "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." It's not something you want to do - letting go of the things you're afraid to lose seems to me like a paradox. But you have to reluctantly accept that it's the perfect advice. You're afraid to lose it? Put yourself in a place where you're not. Simple. The harder question is, how on Earth do you do that?
For me, putting my thoughts in writing has helped. It's put things in better perspective and made me realise that if I got to that position once, I'm sure I could do it again. It might take another six years, much to my parents (and my) dismay, but it could happen. But that hasn't yet made it all better. What else can I do?
Quit before I can be fired?
Just snap my fingers and stop caring?
Normally with these posts I at least provide some form of answer, but this time I've got nothing. What's the thing in your life that you're most afraid to lose? How do you deal with that fear?