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Friday, 22 January 2016

When You're Really In Love...

   ...Do you remain in love during every waking moment? Do you continue to love that person or thing until you just can't love them any more? Or will there be ebbs and flows? Will there be days when you don't feel the same way, making you wonder what you ever felt in the first place?

   It wasn't a person that made me bring up this question, it was a city. The first time I went to Sydney, I fell in love with the place. I can't explain what it was exactly, but I just felt at home. I could quite easily see myself moving there, if only I had the means. I've been back many times since, mostly because circumstances had brought me there. And every time I've been, I've enjoyed it just as much. I was much more eager to go out and try all the cafes and restaurants, I was perfectly content just going for a walk and taking everything in - something I find boring back home.
   But recently, I found myself travelling there completely on my own. It was the first time I'd been that alone outside of Adelaide. The plan was just to fly in, stay overnight, attend an audition and fly back out that afternoon. I'd booked the cheapest accommodation I could find - a 16-bed hostel room above a pharmacy in Chinatown. None of the guests in the room knew each other, which meant that the hot, stuffy, rickety room had a permanent, uncomfortable silence. Practically the only people who talked were an overweight, balding Indian man with poor dental hygene who was very difficult to understand... and a stand-offish British girl who yelled at him for waking her up.
   Going out of the building, I suddenly noticed how hard it was to walk down the dirty street without bumping into anyone. People seemed in so much more of a rush and would get annoyed at you for slowing them down. In some places there was a smell of sewage in the air and when I saw signs taped up on lamp posts spruiking places to rent, they were going for four times more than what I'd remembered seeing in the past.
   I think it was after a shockingly poor night's sleep, stepping outside and finding an unhealthy-looking layer of smog in the air, that I finally realised that - at least for the moment - I wasn't in love with the city any more. So that brings me back to my question. When you're in love, are you in love permanently? Once you're out of love, is that final? Or can you be out of love for a moment, with the knowledge that it's only temporary?

   Of course, this applies to people too. Until now I've believed that once I find the person with whom I'm meant to be for the rest of your life, it would be like the end of a journey. I'd wake up every day and think "Wow, how lucky am I? I'm with this beautiful, strong, caring girl that I love and who somehow loves me back." I didn't imagine there'd be days where I wake up and think "This is the last person I want to see right now."

   People often talk about loving without being "in-love". Does it work the other way around? Can you be in-love without loving?

24 comments:

  1. I see "in love" as the (initial) 'we have mind-blowing' chemistry; producing simultaneous fireworks of attraction. Ironically, I think this reaction can kick in again, along the journey.

    "Loving," to me is more of an active, daily choice, that expands the 'in love' reaction. It's life shared on a deeper level. For some, love grows stronger the more they understand themselves, and thus are willing to understand another. "Know thyself;" Love thyself... then you become more ready to share, and be shared with. That's all I got for you, Michael.

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    1. Next time I'm in love, I'll have to reread this and work out if it makes any more sense :P

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  2. Your initial question regarding ebbs and flows answers your final questions. It's not a duality. If you love someone or something, you're leaving yourself completely vulnerable and they too will be vulnerable and open to you. With that comes exposure of flaws and thus, things you won't agree with but will eventually forgive. It aint love all the time it's often love in spite of. Does that make sense? Probably not. But I love the sound of my own voice so I'll often filibuster.

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    1. I believe it does. Things will always arise which would repel someone in a lesser relationship. Those who remain in-love will find their bond strengthened.

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  3. I'm sort of a miserable human being at times, so everything and anything is going to annoy me on a bad day.

    I will hate a person or thing for exactly the same reason i loved them at some point.

    But the next day, we'll be good again.

    It's me, not you.

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    1. Hahaha I think that's what I was hoping for.

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  4. 'In love' is a feeling and it ebbs and flows. When you really love someone, it's always there, although not as a feeling. It's a commitment and take effort. But it's even more worthwhile than just feeling love.
    And I still look at my wife and think how lucky I am.
    Sorry Sydney disappointed you last time.

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    1. That sounds like pretty sound advice. I admire that you still feel the way you do.

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  5. Being in love is not the same as always being infatuated. The infatuation phase is actually pretty short in any relationship.

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    1. Actually, I heard of a study which suggested that infatuation will generally last four months. If your feelings last any longer than that, you're in love.

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  6. I think love is fluid.. it comes and goes. Like, I'm in love with my husband, but when we first started dating it was much easier... now it's like we have to work for the relationship. Still in love, but it's different.

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    1. That makes sense. That happened in the one relationship I've had as well.

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  7. I've lived in some places I've really loved and hated to leave. But as for people . . . I don't know. I love my children and certain bloggers very much, but I'm not so sure I love much of anyone else because I don't think love exists. It's a sweet fantasy. I love Willy Dunne Wooters right up to the moment he says something idiotic, and we start shouting at each other. People who say they love me always leave me. Usually, I never hear from them again.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I'm certain that love exists in some form. Maybe it's just romantic love that's more of a myth.

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  8. Oh, yes, we can be in love and not loving, and vise versa. I think many couples who have been together for a long time will say so. When at first you barely noticed that they had socks, now, you notice that not only do they have them, but they're often smelly, and left lying around in annoying places. As far as places go. I think the first time visiting some place is always romantic. We see the beauty, enjoy the freshness. The next time, it's not so fresh, especially when you don't get enough sleep.

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    1. Now that you mention it, I have come across couples who are fantastic for each other, yet frustrate each other on occasion. I think the question is can those feelings of love and hate be present at the same time?

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  9. to me life and love are one same thing i tried hard whenever someone or something disappointed me that i should just scratch this love emotion out of me but end of the day i realized that i am not made this way,i am made to love myself to love everything around me, it seems that if i stopped loving life and all belonging of life i will not be exist any more,i am kind of unable to hate anything anyone who even hurt me a lot

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    1. Yes, that tends to happen when you've been hurt. I have a friend who was in an abusive marriage. She's gorgeous and challenging (in a good way) and could have any guy she wanted... But she just hasn't been able to bring herself to like any of them since the marriage.

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  10. On some days I wake up next to the wife and think wow, I'm so lucky, she's so beautiful, etc. Other days I want to shove her head through a wall. It happens. I love her consistently through all of that, but that love takes work. It also takes loving yourself. Let's be real - I love my wife, but if she stopped trying altogether and gained 100 lbs, started wearing sweatshirts and sweatpants everywhere, let her hair get all greasy and messy, yeah, I'd probably fall out of love. Which is somewhat similar to why you've fallen out of love with the city. It takes both parties trying to make the other happy for love to work.

    When you first start dating someone you try so hard to be pleasing for the other person, right? Well, true love is continuing that even after the infatuation wears off. I work out. I take care of my appearance. I listen to her. I'm patient with her even when I don't feel like I should be. I still try to surprise her.

    I do it for her, I do it for me, and above all, I do it for us.

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    1. I can always count on you guys for an honest, eye-opening answer. Not that the others haven't been, I just like this one the best so far. In fact, I've decided to put it in the running for the "Comment of the Year" award that I just made up this minute. There are no prizes.

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  11. My husband passed away after 23 years of marriage. We were in love from the very beginning and remained that way, even if it life didn't leave us feeling that way. We were true soulmates. The connection was beyond anything I could explain. Even though he's gone I still feel that love for him yet I'm now in love with another man. You'll know it when you feel it deep in your soul is all I can say.

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    1. I've heard accounts of feelings like that and I'd give dearly to be able to feel it.

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