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Friday, 18 December 2015

Star Wars Spoilers

Never before have so many people warned their friends not to spoil a movie for them before they get to see it. We seem to have collectively decided that for once, we won't scroll through forums and YouTube videos, practically trying to see the film before it comes out.

But there are some things you need to know about this new Star Wars film. Some key plot points that - if you're not prepared for - could seriously mess with your head. For your safety, here are some spoilers for the latest installment of Star Wars (in cinemas now).

  • After her marriage to Han loses its spark, Princess Leia attempts to find more excitement by registering with Cougarlife.com.
  • Luke Skywalker becomes suspicious of his wife after the fifth baby that she claims was "conceived by the force".
  • Storm Trooper Finn is ecstatic when he meets Lando Calrissian and discovers that he's not the only black person in the galaxy.
  • Leia breaks out the gold and white bikini, but the rest of the galaxy insists that it's actually black and blue.
  • A mysterious stranger starts asking questions about a "Christmas Special". He's quickly executed.
  • R2D2 and C3PO get impressive new upgrades.

  • Chewbacca marries a banthaa and together they have a beautiful little Ewok.
  • Now that the path to immortality has been discovered, word gets out and suddenly everyone starts reappearing as ghosts. It loses its appeal and people start longing for the days when dead people stayed dead.
  • Han trades in his rusty old Millennium Falcon for a shiny new USS Enterprise.
  • Confusion arises over the exact meaning of the term "Holo-vid and Chill".
  • Taylor Swift writes a song about The Force and subsequently has the phrase trademarked. 
  • Due to Imperial budget cuts, the new "Death Star" has to be downgraded to a "Pain Comet".
  • A Storm Trooper is arrested for impersonating a superior officer.

  • The Force is grumpy from being woken.
  • Someone finally informs Han that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time.
  • Yoda can be overheard saying "The original movies, better they were."
  • C3PO announces he's gay. No one bats an eyelid. 
  • The new Jedi council has a lengthy discussion on trade tariffs to ensure that none of this ever happens again.


  1. Michael, that was hilarious! Especially the part about the Christmas Special. (Possibly the worst thing ever put on film.) I hope Carrie Fisher doesn't put on a bikini though. My eyes might bleed.
    Seeing it today despite all of your spoilers!

    1. Hahaha I think she could still pull off the bikini ;)

      Hope you enjoy it, I'm seeing it today too!

  2. The Pain Comet -- LOL! I'm going to go see this movie (once the crowds die down) only because it has the original old geezers cast in it.

    1. That's probably the main reason it will be so good.

  3. This is too funny! I love that remark about the Christmas special which I saw when it came out. Love the Pain comet and the bikini...it is black and blue

    1. It was. I saw another photo taken from a different angle. It confirmed the black-and-blue supporters.

  4. I laughed out loud at more than a few of these, and neither of us is even big on Star Wars. Apparently I understand more about it than I thought, though, since I got all of them, even the awful Christmas special one.

    Here's one more: R2-D2 plays the wrong hologram and instead of showing a distress call, he plays back footage of a fat, out of shape Luke Skywalker breaking a sweat and getting winded while simply eating a particularly large burrito.

    1. Yeah it's amazing what you just pick up from pop culture.

      Haha that mental image is great. Although I probably would have said R2D2 accidentally plays the wrong hologram and they all discover his addiction to "Droids Gone Wild" ;)

  5. This is hilariously awesome! Thank you!

  6. Hahahaa.. I can't stop imagining all your spoilers in my head :).. Happy watching and may the force be with you :)


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