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Friday, 25 December 2015

So You're Reading This On Christmas...



You may be feeling lonely or upset without anyone to spend the day with. If you weren't, you certainly are now. There may be a valid reason why you're not with friends or family. You may be separated geographically or emotionally, or you may be - like most of the people that I suspect read this blog - homeless.

So if you are feeling lonely and need assistance on making the most of today, we here at the think tank have put together a handy three-step guide. Merry Christmas.



1: Watch feaux-Christmas movies
We all know that Die Hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time. But did you know that there are a host of other popular films that are set around Christmas? Why not fire yourself up to watch Rocky take on the Russian behemoth Drago in Rocky IV? How about a bit of pre-racism Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon? You could relive the performances of Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfeiffer and Danny DeVito in the worst Batman film of all time, Batman Returns. Or revisit the worst James Bond of all time (George Lazenby) in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

If you want to go less subtle, you could watch Love Actually or The Holiday. But without anyone to watch it with, it may just make you feel more lonely. Maybe 1984's Gremlins might be better for you. Or Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, in which you get to see Michelle Monaghan topless. Although if you just want to watch nudity, there are much better films for that. If you Google it, I'm sure you can find some with a Christmas theme as well.


2: Celebrate Festivus
What began as a humorous protest to the commercialisation of Christmas can now be your own personal "screw you" to the holiday altogether. Telephone your friends and family to tell them what's grieved you about them in the past year. If there's one thing that people like to hear on Christmas, it's how they've failed to appease you.

Find an aluminium pole and stand it up in your living room. Stare at it for an hour and think about all the stupid things the people you know are doing right now. Those jokes inside the Christmas crackers have never been funny. The paper crowns are stupid and uncomfortable. And what's with the crappy little plastic doohickey? Christmas crackers suck. And now, thanks to your hilarious and relevant protest, so does the rest of Christmas.

Conduct "Feats of strength", in which you attempt to lug a 60" TV up and down a flight of stairs. If you don't have stairs, placing it on a high shelf will be adequate. The festivities will only end once the TV has been dropped and smashed.


3: Fake an actual Christmas miracle
History has proven that religious nuts will clamp onto anything that "proves" the existence of God. Have some fun with them by splashing some coffee on a notebook in a way that resembles the image of Jesus. Walk into a church limping and coughing, listen for a while, then jump up and exclaim "Praise God, I'm healed!" The congregation won't question a thing.

If you really want to take it up a notch, get up at 1am on Christmas morning and start cutting religious symbols into corn fields. Or dress up in a robe and put on a long brown wig and interrupt the broadcast of a national morning show. Don't forget to bring your smoke-bombs - if there's one thing Jesus was known for, it's cheap theatrics.

12 comments:

  1. Those are some wicked ideas ;p.. Wishing you a merry et joyous Christmas :)

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  2. Why fake a miracle when you can claim to see Jesus in the woodgrain of a door.
    Fun read, Happy festivus and a better Christmas by all means.

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  3. Watch A Christmas Story! The fictional tale reminds me of my childhood. The actual house in the movie was nearby!

    Merry Christmas, Michael

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    1. I believe I've been told to watch A Christmas Story but I haven't yet :P

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  4. Merry Christmas, Michael. I've missed you because I haven't been able to comment...had to go thru all sorts of madness. We'll see what happens now - a Christmas miracle, perhaps?
    Be well and enjoy you summery Christmas while I endure some feats of strength in honor of Festivus.

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    1. Yep, had to go back to normal Blogger comments :P

      Happy Hanukkah Robyn. That fact that I got to hear from you again is a Festivus miracle :)

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  5. Merry Christmas to you and yours, I had a good day more or less

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    1. That's good (I think). What did you get up to?

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  6. "Love Actually" is a sweet movie. I just saw it for the first time last year! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, Michael!

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    1. I did thanks! It was cute, but I wasn't paying a lot of attention because I had a new girlfriend at the time.

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