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Thursday, 2 April 2015

Bogan Bingo

Part B of the 2015 A-Z Blogging Challenge.

I've already written about the first time I saw the show interestingly titled Bogan Bingo. But I've never written about the time I hosted it. A few days after seeing the show, I got in touch with the guy who runs it in South Australia. His name is Seb and he's part of the stand-up comedy scene in Adelaide. I used to perform in a small room he ran and was friends with him on Facebook. He was happy to have me on board, but he told me it would be a while before I could get a gig. He'd have to put me on the end of a list and I'd only be able to host the shows that no one else could pick up. I was eighth in the pecking order. Not only that, but twice I was told I'd been booked into a gig and then told a few weeks later that the booking had been cancelled. It took until October for me to finally get the job.

Seb asked me to come around two nights before for a bit of a training session. I went to his house where he took me out the back to a mock bingo setup.
'Now, your job will basically be to play the music all night. There's two playlists, one for background music and one that's sound effects for some of the numbers that will be called. You switch between the two with this little slider down here. It's simple, but you'll probably make a few mistakes at first, which is okay. So what you do, I'm going to call out a number, you're going to click on the track that corresponds with that number and then flick the slider over. Click... and flick. Click... and flick.'
'I think I've got it. Flick and then... something,' I replied. Seb smiled an awkward smile that told me that he knew I was joking, but he didn't know where to go with it.
'Now not every number has a sound effect, but they've all got jokes attached to them. For example, I'll pull out number 21 and say "Twenty-one! Up ya bum!"'
'Up ya bum. Got it.'
'There are some crowd response ones as well. For example, I'll yell "Sweet, 16, never been kissed!" and the crowd will yell back "Pig's arse!" Number 88 is the two fat ladies, so when I call that the crowd yells "Wobble wobble". 87 is a fat lady with a walking stick, so they'll call "Wobble hobble". And 85 is fat lady in a wheelchair, so the crowd will yell "Lazy bitch!"'
'It's only fair.'

It came to the night of the show and I was dressed in my finest ripped jeans, band t-shirt, thongs/flip-flops and curly mullet wig. I bought a can of Coke and carried it around in a stubbie holder to make it look like a beer and I was ready to go. As the crowd rolled in, I could tell they were certainly dressed for the occasion. They were all wearing flannelette shirts, fake (and real) tattoos and cigarette packets up their sleeves. Seb was dressed in a flannelette vest, a beanie with a bud of marijuana sticking out of it and a wig of long, dirty hair. I helped him set up the table and once it was time to kick off, Seb grabbed the microphone.
'Welcome to the fuckin' show!' he said to the already-rowdy crowd. 'I'm your host Wayno and this is my assistant Dwayno. It's Dwayno's first time tonight, so how about a round of applause...'
The crowd clapped enthusiastically and I even heard a couple of wolf-whistles from the women. Seb took them through the running of the night, including what to yell out when all the numbers were called. Then we got started.

Let's skip ahead a bit. Just like what had happened a few months ago, we stopped half-way through the round to play Bogan Idol. We placed a bunch of inflatable guitars in the ground and got a bunch of volunteers to come up and rock out to a song of our choice. That's where I first met The Bull.

The Bull was an enormous woman with who looked like she could wrestle a grizzly bear. Big broad shoulders, a face that had been left out in the sun too long and a waist that I can only describe as "exceedingly girthful". Her friends affectionately called her Bull not just because that was her last name, but because she both looked and sounded like one. I put on Warrant's Cherry Pie and she wasted no time at all in dragging me out from behind the desk and using me as a grinding pole. I went along with it - I was there to entertain. But I probably shouldn't have, it just encouraged her.

During the half-time break, the organisers of the event took care of some official business. We were all there for a charity fundraiser. Someone they knew had contracted Leukemia. So they held an auction to raise the money, and if they raised a certain amount on top, one of the girls would shave her head bald. After the auction, Seb went outside to have a cigarette and left me in charge. The large girl who would be shaving her head asked me if she could have the microphone. I studied her for a moment - practically coun't stay on her feet from the amount of alcohol she'd consumed. I shrugged and said "Sure, why not?"
'Hey guys...' she slurred. 'We're here for a reason and we need to... we're... If I get $300 extra then I'll shave my head for all you fuckers. How about it? Let's get the donations going!'
No one came out at first, so I took $10 from my wallet and went up to place it in her cleavage. Don't look at me like that, it's what the crowd wanted! And anyway, it got the ball rolling. She had $300 raised in no time, so they got out the mat and the clippers and went to work. Afterwards Seb came back, looked at all the hair on the ground and said. '...Did I miss anything?'
'Ah, not much.'

Later in the second half, between calling out the numbers we stopped the show to have a game of Bogan Fashion Parade, where we bring up a whole bunch of people in traditional bogan dress and get them to dance for a prize. There was a guys' section and a girls' section. The guys went first and they were mixed in their attempts. Some guys (mainly the drunk ones) tore up the stage, much to the delight of the girls. Some just stood there bobbing their head. When the girls came up, I was amazed at how sexual they got. The girls I've grown up around have been a lot more conservative, at least in public. It was confusing to see a 70-year-old woman do a lap-dance for her friends and family. Then of course it was Bull's turn (who invited her back?). She once again went behind the desk and grabbed my hand, leading me out into the open. I can honestly say I can't remember the last time I was as nervous as I was in that moment. I felt like I was about to be sexually assaulted. When we got to the middle of the stage, she just picked me up and flung me around and around, sending my thongs flying everywhere. When she tried to put me back down again, I overbalanced and nearly fell on my ass. The crowd was loving this. They were yelling at her to take me home and have her way with me. I KNOW, RIGHT?? This was getting really uncomfortable! I should have just kept my head down after that and crawled my way to the end of the night. But the crowd were having such a good time, I didn't want to disappoint them.

We got to the end of the night and Seb said our goodbyes for us.
'And how about a massive hand for Dwayno! His first ever show ladies and gentlemen!'
The crowd went nuts and I heard those wolf whistles again. The Bull ran up to the desk, grabbed me in an inescapable vice-like grip and tried to kiss me on the lips. I managed to turn my head just enough for her to catch my cheek, so she went in for a second go and landed it. It's very lucky I was getting paid a small fortune for this or I would have just stormed off then. As we packed up, a DJ arrived and the dance floor opened up. I had to slip my way through all the drunk bogans with heavy equipment in my hands. One mystery person saw how incapacitated I was by the equipment took advantage of it by slapping me square in the ass. Another grabbed me by the shoulder and shouted something in my ear that was both inaudible and wet. At the end of the night, I had one more check to see if we'd left any equipment behind and a younger girl came up to me and handed me a slip of paper before running off. It had her phone number on it. I was so relieved that she hadn't tried to assault me that I almost texted her a thank you message right there. Anyway, I can't wait to do it all again ;)


33 comments:

  1. Small fortune, remember that... and avoid Bulls.

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    1. Don't worry, I remind myself all the time ;)

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  2. lol and you were saying how you can't get a girlfriend. Holding out on us. What's sexual harassment between friends hahaha you must have had a bullseye or something on you

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    Replies
    1. See, the only people who seem to like me are the ones I'm not interested in :P

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  3. You should have brought a different shirt and slipped off the wig...then you could have said the "other guy" left already.

    My friend was a DJ for parties and weddings. He has shared some very similiar stories! Everything gets weirder when you add alcohol.

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    1. Yeah and it's even weirder again when you haven't had any yourself :P

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  4. Nice wig! Haha! I agree with Pat, sounds like you're getting the ladies just fine. ;)

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  5. That was quite an adventure!

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  6. Wow, what a night. Not many can say they were sexually assaulted by a Bull.

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  7. "...a waist that I can only describe as "exceedingly girthful". Never heard that before.
    You've done a lot.

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    Replies
    1. I'm glad I can help educate the masses ;)

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  8. I hope you got tested for 'germs' later (smile). Great "B" day, btw.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Dixie, I sure did and the doctor nearly fainted when he saw my results.

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  9. You had me at 'my thongs went flying' and then I realized you were probably referring to what we call 'flip-flops' :)

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    1. Hahaha I was hoping that mistake wouldn't happen :P

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  10. That sounds like quite an encounter with the bull!

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  11. That sounds like quite an encounter with the bull!

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  12. Ah, so there's gals hitting all over you!! Must just not be 'the right' girls, huh? ;)

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    Replies
    1. Exactly! That makes it worse because it's like I can't complain any more!

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  13. Money in a bull's cleavage? I want to party with you.

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  14. It was sweet of you to get the charity ball rolling.

    (That party sounds a bit like one of my family reunions...especially the lap dancing old ladies!)

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    Replies
    1. Well if you give me $300 I can be the entertainment for you...

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  15. I don't know who was worse, the 70 year-old lap dancer or Bull! Glad you made it through in one piece, Michael!

    Julie

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  16. Whoa in that pic you look like Paul Stanley. Great hair!

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    Replies
    1. Haha someone commented on Google+ that I look like Howard Stern ;)

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