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Tuesday, 19 August 2014

New Experience Challenge Week 32: Tofu

I made a new friend recently named Laura. Laura's a vegan. For a while she kept saying she wanted to take me to vegan restaurants or dessert bars so I could see how good it is. Maybe she hopes I'll try it once and think "Wow, this is amazing! I'll never eat dairy again!" Well, the chance finally came on Friday when her parents went away for the weekend. She invited myself and Brooke around for dinner to keep her company.

She fancies herself as a cook, so she wouldn't let me in the kitchen while she prepared it. She was making cold rolls, which are apparently like spring rolls, but they're the size of burritos. Brooke and I sat down at the table and she served them up. They looked a bit... small. Is this the size of all vegan meals? I'm Italian, I'm used to hearty meals followed by belly-patting and belching. How could a person survive off this little?

Ah, what am I complaining for? It looked tasty and it was lovingly prepared.

I picked up my knife and fork and started slicing into the first one.
'Um, what are you doing?' said Laura.
'Eating?' I said.
'Use your hands, you dill,' she said and across the table Brooke nodded with her mouth full.
'Then why did you set out cutlery?'
'Because it's dinner!'
'But if we don't need the- whatever...'

I picked up the cold roll and it stuck to my fingers like masking tape. I actually couldn't let go. I'm not sure how healthy it is to eat something so adhesive, but I'd come too far to back out now (plus it would make me a pretty big douche) so I bit into it...

...and tasted mostly air.

A few pieces of stringed carrot came out and blended with the rice paper to give me something to chew, but it wasn't much. I had to get three bites in to get to the good stuff. At long last, I came across the hallowed piece at the centre of it - the tofu.

I lifted it out to get a good look at it. It looked a bit like halloumi cheese. Slowly, carefully, I took a bite...

Yeah, it was alright. Bit bland, but certainly not bad. It wasn't that far off chicken. There was a little bowl of sauce next to our plates, so I scooped some onto the next two rolls as I ate them. That made it MUCH better. I figured I needed to compliment Laura on the food in some way, so I focused on the sauce.

'I love this sauce, what's in it?'
'I don't know, check the ingredients,' and she handed me a jar with the word "Dolmio" printed across it.
'Oh... You didn't make the sauce...' I pushed the plate away and wiped my hands.
'Are you done?'
'Yeah, I can't eat any more until I get my foot out of my mouth.'


  1. Hah, good line to finish! You're right that tofu is pretty tasteless. You should mention the Naked Vegan Cooking blog to Laura - plenty of good recipes there!


    1. Haha yes I did come across that while I was perusing your blog! It was very... very... strange.

  2. For some reason I always get tofu mixed up with fugu... the poisonous puffer fish that nearly killed Homer Simpson.

    1. That's impressive, I didn't remember the name of that fish. I just remember that the master chef's skilled hands were too busy to prepare it.

  3. I've recently stopped eating meat, as you are likely aware. Have not tried tofu. Probably won't after your review.

    1. Oh well it wasn't bad at all. It was nothing really.

  4. Um... has Laura read this??? That's the last time i'd invite you for dinner!! ;-)
    I love cold rolls!

    1. Yeah she has. She can rest assured they were better than anything I could make.


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