"All sorts of entertaining" - Elizabeth Seckman

"Michael and his pals make me wish I lived in Adelaide" - Cherdo

"If I had a daughter, I'd send her to Australia to meet him (and marry him)" - Robyn Alana Engel

"An Australian version of me. Only younger. And Talented. And better looking. Okay, nothing like me." - Al Penwasser

"Whom must I fuck or pay to get a quotation at the top of your blog post?" - Janie Junebug

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

New Experience Challenge Week 8: Bogan Bingo (part 2)


So the second half started with a bang. They got out a burlesque performer who was dressed as a tradie and she did a striptease to Jimmy Barnes' Working Class Man. Yep, completely naked. It was touch and go there for a while as to weather she would do it, because for the first two minutes she was just dancing and miming doing trade work. Then she took of her mining helmet and removed her first gardening glove and the room all cheered. It finished off with her turning her back to the audience and dropping her pants. Then she turned back to the audience and it turned out she had little covers for her nipples and down there. I don't actually get that - it's not like those three stickers are stopping us from seeing anything private, she's already taken off her clothes in front of strangers...

Anyway.

To begin the actual second game, we all had to stand up and play "you know you're a bogan if..." The hosts would call out a few numbers and then stop the music and make a statement such as 'Stay standing if you've ever owned a Ford or Holden.' I'd only ever owned one car, and it was a Mitsubishi Outlander. Not good enough. So I began to sat down when the host clarified 'If you've ever owned or driven a For or Holden.' Saved. Mum owns a Holden Cruse which I've used and I've also driven a Calais before. I got back up. The music came back on and a few more numbers were called. Then it stopped again and the host said 'Now stay standing if you've never attended a private school. You can't be a bogan if you went to a private school.' I was amazed at how many people sat down for that one. It was like two thirds of the room, including the three people I came with. Finally, all those years in the public system had paid off. A few more numbers and then the next question - 'Stay standing if you CURRENTLY drive a Ford or a Holden.' There we go. I had to sit down. The next question was 'Now sit down if that car's a fucken' Barina or a Focus' and a few people sat down.
'You know you're a bogan if you've got a flannie in your cupboard. It can be anything, shirt, pants, undies...' We were well into the single digits now.
'Now stay standing if you've got any ink. All bogans have some sort of tattoo.' Everyone sat down except for one girl, and I couldn't believe it - it was the same girl who'd won the first game of bingo AND was in the bogan idol contest! That girl was cleaning up.

The second game was almost half over by this stage. I was doing pretty well on a couple of boxes, only three numbers left. After another ten minutes, the first person got out of their seat and yelled 'COME ON!' to indicate they only had one number to go. The next number got called and two more people stood up to yell come on. Then the next number and two more people stood up. I was one of them. The rest of my table got excited and waited tensely for the next number. 52. I didn't have it, but one more person stood up. Next number... 79. That was it, I had it. I put I my hand in the devil-horn salute and yelled (with gusto) 'FUCKEN' BINGO!!' at exactly the same time as a person on the table in front of us. Everyone in the room looked at each other awkwardly as if to say "what happens now?" The hosts brought us both up the front to check our sheets. Yep, we both had it. So we went to the prepared tiebreaker situation. The main host placed us on the front and centre of the stage facing each other. Then he introduced what would become my second new experience for the night. He said 'We're going to play a little game of gay chicken.'

Well all the women in the room loved that. This guy and I stared at each other wondering how far we were willing to go. Have I mentioned how competitive I am? I dearly love winning. So my first reaction was "Right, I'm cool with this. I'm about to kiss a dude." But then I thought well is it kind of like skydiving? What if I'm all full of bravado right up until the last moment and then realize I don't want to do this and chicken out? Relax, it's fine. It's not like you'll turn gay if you kiss a dude.

Shit, will I turn gay if I kiss a dude? I don't want to be gay! I like my girlfriend! But I don't want to lose either. Is turning gay and leaving my girlfriend too big a price to pay to win an over-the-top comedy bingo game? What if this other guy's gay? He's a fairly strapping young guy with a soft face, I wouldn't put it past him. Then it's no longer a game of chicken for him, it's more of a game of "mess with the nervous straight guy." This is so unfair.

As an insurance policy I turned to my table and made the 'take a photo' motion with my hands. The crowd laughed. Their laughter put me at ease. Then I realized I'd just sanctioned photographic evidence of this and I started stressing again. Seb put on Belinda Carlisle's Heaven is a Place on Earth and we started walking towards each other. Turns out he was a lot taller than me.We got chest-to-chest and then I had to crane my neck up and kind of wait for him to stoop down. He wouldn't. He began shoving me towards the edge of the stage with his torso in some kind of attempt to win without actually taking the plunge. Nice try buddy, this is gay chicken, not sumo wrestling. Hey, that's a good idea...

The host grabbed us and put us into the middle of the stage again. There was no getting out of this. We kind of stared at each other for a few more seconds and then I closed my eyes, jumped up and gave him a peck on the lips. The crowd erupted. The host came in and announced me the winner and the guy walked off stage with a face like he'd just eaten roadkill. As a prize I was awarded a book called My First 100 Bogan Words, which had been published by the Bogan Bingo group. It was a picture book of course, because bogans don't like to read. I got home that night and placed the book on my bookshelf like a trophy. I watched it sitting there for a while, then sighed and turned away. It wasn't worth it.

The two hosts of the night.
Schapelle Corby was there!
And here's me... kissing a dude.

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